The sun’s rays illuminated the man’s ruddy face. He squinted as he looked up to the sun. He wished he could just burn up like a solar flare as his mother had just died. Salty tears streaked down his silent face. He had said his goodbyes. He felt he didn’t have enough time to say all he needed to say. He forgave her and that was what his intentions were. He knew he had to do this last thing to have peace in his life. “I love you mother,” he thought as he wiped the tears away…

Turning away from the sun, he started to walk toward his parked car. He had come to the mountains to say goodbye one more last time. He knew his mother liked to go to the mountains. He felt her presence there. He knew she was looking down at him. Okay, that is a cliche but he did feel something. As his car came closer into his sight of view, he wished he had said more. There were so many thoughts he had in his head when he first laid eyes on his frail mother — he didn’t know where to begin. Realizing he was beating himself up. He stopped the thought process and reminded himself he had made amends to his mother. It was the sole reason he had come up to Northern California to say his goodbyes and to let his mother know he would be okay and was okay. He accomplished that. He told himself he was proud of how far he had come. Deep in his addiction, he didn’t accomplish anything except trips to the hospital psych wards.

The time was 1969 and man had just landed on the moon. That same year Tom was born. He was a fat baby and not at all attractive according to his father.

Today he is tall and muscular with dark, brown hair and blue eyes. Some call him a lady-killer. However, Tom is far from that as he likes men.

Tom opened the door to his blue sports car, arm flexing as he pulled at the door. He recalled how hard he had worked in order to pay cash to buy the car as he swung the door open with a pang of unleashed anger. The car represented so many things to him he mused as he began to crouch down to enter the car. “God, I’m such an over-achiever,” he thought as he restlessly sat in his car seat. I’m far from stupid he said aloud and under his breath as he recalled how his dad told him constantly he was stupid when he has growing up. Tom’s dad died a year ago. It was bitter sweet for him. He both loved and hated his father for what he did. He shuddered at the thought of what he went through and in anger slammed the car door shut. He couldn’t wait to get back home to his boyfriend.

He began sobbing over the pain and hatred he had felt toward his mother and father. He just lay back in the car seat and let the tears come. He hadn’t even started the car yet. “How can I feel such mixed emotions,” he thought to himself as he completely began to fall apart. The sobs came as if a giant dam had just broken. In truth, that is what had happened. Years of self-denial came down like the great wall of Los Angeles, a kaleidoscope lay shattered on the ground.

He could no longer lie to himself and tell himself his childhood was picture perfect. It was far from that. “How have I made it,”? “I never had a chance,” the thoughts came like bullets ripping through his mind. Then the memories came…

It was the winter of 1975 and mood rings and disco was all the rage.It was also the year that my nuclear family - mother, father, and sister -went to Lake Tahoe to play and rollick in the snow.  By the time they had reached Lake Tahoe, a two-hour drive; the snow was coming down hard.  Interesting enough and rather unusual, My father was in a good mood.  All of us felt the excitement in the car. We all couldn't wait to play in the snow.  

However, the snow had become so heavy that my dad had to stop and buy and then put snow chains on the car’s wheels, an arduous task judging by the cussing and heavy breathing. By the time dad finished putting on the chains, the snow was coming down in a flurry. Dad became slightly frustrated with the situation. He had not come prepared for heavy snow.

When they finally reached their destination, they could feel the bubbling excitement and awe as they saw all the snow….