The sun’s rays illuminated the man’s ruddy face. He squinted as he looked up to the sun. He wished he could just burn up like a solar flare as his mother had just died. Salty tears streaked down his silent face. He had said his goodbyes. He felt he didn’t have enough time to say all he needed to say. He forgave her and that was what his intentions were. He knew he had to do this last thing to have peace in his life. “I love you mother,” he thought as he wiped the tears away…

Turning away from the sun, he started to walk toward his parked car. He had come to the mountains to say goodbye one more last time. He knew his mother liked to go to the mountains. He felt her presence there. He knew she was looking down at him. Okay, that is a cliche but he did feel something. As his car came closer into his sight of view, he wished he had said more. There were so many thoughts he had in his head when he first laid eyes on his frail mother — he didn’t know where to begin. Realizing he was beating himself up. He stopped the thought process and reminded himself he had made amends to his mother. It was the sole reason he had come up to Northern California to say his goodbyes and to let his mother know he would be okay and was okay. He accomplished that. He told himself he was proud of how far he had come. Deep in his addiction, he didn’t accomplish anything except trips to the hospital psych wards.

The time was 1969 and man had just landed on the moon. That same year Tom was born. He was a fat baby and not at all attractive according to his father.

Today he is tall and muscular with dark, brown hair and blue eyes. Some call him a lady-killer. However, Tom is far from that as he likes men.

Tom opened the door to his blue sports car, arm flexing as he pulled at the door. He recalled how hard he had worked in order to pay cash to buy the car as he swung the door open with a pang of unleashed anger. The car represented so many things to him he mused as he began to crouch down to enter the car. “God, I’m such an over-achiever,” he thought as he restlessly sat in his car seat. I’m far from stupid he said aloud and under his breath as he recalled how his dad told him constantly he was stupid when he has growing up. Tom’s dad died a year ago. It was bitter sweet for him. He both loved and hated his father for what he did. He shuddered at the thought of what he went through and in anger slammed the car door shut. He couldn’t wait to get back home to his boyfriend.

He began sobbing over the pain and hatred he had felt toward his mother and father. He just lay back in the car seat and let the tears come. He hadn’t even started the car yet. “How can I feel such mixed emotions,” he thought to himself as he completely began to fall apart. The sobs came as if a giant dam had just broken. In truth, that is what had happened. Years of self-denial came down like the great wall of Los Angeles, a kaleidoscope lay shattered on the ground.

He could no longer lie to himself and tell himself his childhood was picture perfect. It was far from that. “How have I made it,”? “I never had a chance,” the thoughts came like bullets ripping through his mind. Then the memories came…

It was the winter of 1975 and mood rings and disco was all the rage.It was also the year that my nuclear family - mother, father, and sister -went to Lake Tahoe to play and rollick in the snow.  By the time they had reached Lake Tahoe, a two-hour drive; the snow was coming down hard.  Interesting enough and rather unusual, My father was in a good mood.  All of us felt the excitement in the car. We all couldn't wait to play in the snow.  

However, the snow had become so heavy that my dad had to stop and buy and then put snow chains on the car’s wheels, an arduous task judging by the cussing and heavy breathing. By the time dad finished putting on the chains, the snow was coming down in a flurry. Dad became slightly frustrated with the situation. He had not come prepared for heavy snow.

When they finally reached their destination, they could feel the bubbling excitement and awe as they saw all the snow….

Who are you?

I see you. I know who you are.

Alabaster skin, porcelain pure white, glistening, sparkling, moving slowly in the time/space continuum. 

I can see you.

From the beginning of the beginning something bubbling in the green primordial life force, I see clearly who you are.  Like limbs growing, reaching for the bluest of blue skies, I see the brightest of white light leading down to lush green pastures. A place to finally slumber softly as molecule-by-molecule new skin saunters forth.

I feel who you are. 

I came to you on bended knees.  

My red crimson blood flowing, moving, dancing.  

Hot waves of passion raced up and down my iridescence body. 

I knew you could see the man was I meant to be. 

I laid my heart wide-open; my dim-lit soul released memories of a cold, dark past.  I took a deep breath and relaxed.  You took me in your celestial arms and cradled me like a baby, sweetly whispering I will always have your back.

Like a new sun radiating solar flares on a golden wheat field, you enveloped me, no you caressed my soul with loving entwining, genetic imprints as my soul split opened and gave birth to a shiny happy, imperfect man. 

I felt love. I saw love.  I tasted love. I became love.  We had become one. I became you and you became me. I took your outreached arms and surrendered my life to your loving embrace. My heart grew wings and blissfully took flight. I silently cried swollen grateful tears of happiness.  I had been denying who I am for a very long time, a loving man for all time. 

I am here.  I am now.  I am present.  I am a magnificent being of the stars and skies.  I have arrived.  I am the luckiest man alive. 

Daddy’s Love

The dark night calls – a voice, a laugh, “Here’s Johnny,: a television flickers.

Footsteps on the tiled floor – a cupboard is opened – a glass is poured

Footsteps fading away, Johnny Carson is saying his monologue.

An empty glass.

Anger

A flick of a switch – silence

Darkness

I hear my father’s footsteps coming near.

Shadows slithering down a wall.

I clutch my bed sheets tight

I will not be safe.

 The devil comes tonight.

I close my eyes tight.

I try to run and hide within my own psych. There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere to hide. There is no tree to climb.

My little body can’t fight, can’t hide.

My mind turns off the lights. I stare at the ceiling from where hangs a Pepsi-Cola light.

He has come. He needs to show his love. A familiar knowing hand on my sheets and in a whoosh they seem to go up to thin air. 

I am evil. I am corrupted. I am bad. I hear the deep whispers.

I feel his loving touch. I smell his vodka-tinged breath.

An insertion, a jab, a white hot stab as the screwdriver goes in.

DADDY LOVES ME. I AM SO PRECIOUS I try to make myself hear. I want to draw him near. 

Pain numbness deadness void

White bright blindness in my head

I pray for forgiveness. I pray for release. I pray for awareness.

I pray for death. I pray for white light. I pray for my dad’s touch. 

I am alone with his raging love.

It frightens me. It makes me happy.

I am alone in my schizophrenic fright.

Silent dry tears never appear.

Daddy tell me you love me. 

I float. I soar. 

I am stone. I am the Earth. I am the sky.

I am flesh. I am blood. I am a lie.

I am a disappointment. I am deformed. I am imperfect. I am a nuisance. 

I am a waste of time. 

Daddy’s Love

The dark night calls – a voice, a laugh, “Here’s Johnny,: a television flickers.

Footsteps on the tiled floor – a cupboard is opened – a glass is poured

Footsteps fading away, Johnny Carson is saying his monologue.

An empty glass.

Anger

A flick of a switch – silence

Darkness

I hear my father’s footsteps coming near.

Shadows slithering down a wall.

I clutch my bed sheets tight

I will not be safe.

 The devil comes tonight.

I close my eyes tight.

I try to run and hide within my own psych. There is nowhere to go. There is nowhere to hide. There is no tree to climb.

My little body can’t fight, can’t hide.

My mind turns off the lights. I stare at the ceiling from where hangs a Pepsi-Cola light.

He has come. He needs to show his love. A familiar knowing hand on my sheets and in a whoosh they seem to go up to thin air. 

I am evil. I am corrupted. I am bad. I hear the deep whispers.

I feel his loving touch. I smell his vodka-tinged breath.

An insertion, a jab, a white hot stab as the screwdriver goes in.

DADDY LOVES ME. I AM SO PRECIOUS I try to make myself hear. I want to draw him near. 

Pain numbness deadness void

White bright blindness in my head

I pray for forgiveness. I pray for release. I pray for awareness.

I pray for death. I pray for white light. I pray for my dad’s touch. 

I am alone with his raging love.

It frightens me. It makes me happy.

I am alone in my schizophrenic fright.

Silent dry tears never appear.

Daddy tell me you love me. 

I float. I soar. 

I am stone. I am the Earth. I am the sky.

I am flesh. I am blood. I am a lie.

I am a disappointment. I am deformed. I am imperfect. I am a nuisance. 

I am a waste of time. 

You showed up at my friend’s door, rugged handsome, rather direct.  I had to make you mine.   

We smoked some meth and the heat began to rise. I stole you away from my friend.  You would be all mine. Together we left hot sex was the plan.  We stopped at a drug store.  You met a man; eight ball was now in your greedy hand. We drove back to your place. You told me you are a nurse as you sexily removed your shirt.  A muscled    body glistening with sweat blinds my eyes with lust. You continue to undress. I hotly watch afraid to do the same.  You come over and pull off my shirt.  You rub your torso against mine.  My member begins to gorge. Unbuckling my belt, you thrust your tongue down my throat. We become hedonistic.  I like it. I want to be your bitch.  

We don’t have a pipe so we improvise using tinfoil.  You place the meth on the tinfoil and place a lighter under it. Smoke begins to saunter forth.  We take turns inhaling the devil’s smoke.  Our bodies begin to float and sear with unbearable desire. Lost in electric sexual waves we begin to grope and engulf each other’s souls.  

I pick you up and slam you against the wall, my tongue devouring every inch of your soul.  The fire inside has ignited my sex drive.  I pick you up again and throw you down to the bed.  I jump on top of you and make you my bitch.  

You turn the tide. I will be your bitch. Now you’re the one barking commands. I do what ever you demand.  I want to make you a happy man.  You attach a dog leash to my prince albert and the beast inside grows an inch longer. You lead me around the house like a dog waiting for a bone. You drop the leash and turn to find rope.  I want to fuck you. I want to make you my man slave. I look in the mirror and see my reflection, the attached dog leash limp swaying back and forth across my legs. I want to see you again but I am consumed with too much shame for who I am. So with you looking away, I give a yank on my lover’s charade.  A gushing red river flows as my shaft tears open. The prince albert jewelry falls to the floor.  

You panic. Blood makes you uneasy.  You place my bleeding body in your white porcelain bathtub.  I watch with disbelief as the blood, filling the tub begins to coat my legs with my own blood.  The bottom of the tub is no longer white. My blood is the new coat of paint.. I take a deep breath when I think this could be the end.  

You want to call emergency.  I tell you no.  I tell you it will stop. You fall for my deceit and I convince you to get the tinfoil so we can shotgun our way out of this scene. Let’s get high until the sun rises above the skyline.    We inhale until there is no more, my blood keeping score.  I serenely smile as I think my life will soon be over in a blink.   I relax. I take it easy.  I enjoy this warm blood bath.  

I stare into your eyes. Don’t you see I am the happiest man alive? I just want to die.  Can’t you see this is what I selfishly need?  

The blood finally stops.  The tub now crusted red. Our heads are coming out of the sky. The reality of what has been soon appears like a whisper never heard down a long corridor.  I could have died you say through tears. You insist on taking me to emergency. 

The doctor tells me skin tissue has died.  He tells me in surgery he will need to need to cut off the dead part of me.   I scream. I cry.  I realize my penis will be mutilated. I become terrified. In sobbing tears I tell you my story of crimson red at the hands of a family man that drove me from man to man. You hold my hand and tell me I will be fine.  I would rather have died.    

Light turns to dark

White turns to RED

Hypodermic syringe in my hand

I feel the devil’s s presence at hand

My mind salivates with anticipation of nothingness

My arm’s vein smiles greedily, give me release 

it sternly winks

A prick to the skin, the antidote flows in, Ah a 

complete void

Explosions of a million universes enter into my mind. My flesh ignites

A deep sigh, a comet rushes over and inside, a rush of pure emptiness

I am nowhere in sight

I am the black hole

I am redness

I am mindless

I am a vapor rushing nowhere and everywhere, upside down and upright. Where’s 

the light? 

Bubbling, panting desiring self stimuli

I NEED FLESH TO FEED MY SOUL

Consumes, devoured, I need a pistol now. Come blast me full of holes

Fall down the hole. Lose you soul

Sell your flesh by the ounce

You’re only worth that much

Worthless, hopeless, aimless

I am a dirty blow­up doll. Come shred my plastic casing. I want to feel whole. 

A tear, knowingness, an acceptance, a saddened wise grin

I know my calling. I know my destiny. I know I am a whore to be sold. 

God bless my soul.

Anoint me in your blood streaked tears

I want to be something

My crimson heart plays Mozart’s symphony whenever you are near.

Electrical shock waves dance and prance like shooting stars to the apex of my soul when our hands embrace.

Angels soar in a flock of kaleidoscopic colors when you wrap me in your celestial body.

Even in a world spinning out of control, I feel safe in your arms.

Our lips touch and fireworks erupt, spreading like lava down my lean torso.

I look in your eyes and I see strength and courage.

Your compassion for others is unparalleled.

You’re my angel, friend and confidante.

I’m falling deep into the abyss of happiness.

I willingly take this trip with you.

Our friendship will never end.

I think I’m falling deep.

The sky is dark
The moon shines bright

Stars sparkle in the night sky
I hold your hand tight.

Don’t let go
be my lover tonight
I don’t want to be alone

We kiss deeply
My love grows
Into your hazel eyes, I stare.  I see myself reflected back

Your hand reaches for my throat
Whore you scream
Your grip tightens
I begin to choke

I trusted you
I let my walls down for you

You have violated my trust

I wish I never met you

I begin to feel faint
Your fingers leave imprints on my throat. I am choking.  I cannot breathe

I look into your eyes and I see hatred
A silent tear falls down my face

I take my last breath.  You smile as I pass away

 

My HEART BEATS OUT OF TIME

The sky is falling in a haze of purple-blue

I feel your hand upon my throat

Bitch you say

whore you say

Loser you say

 

I cannot breathe

I cannot move

You impale me with your anger

I cry violently, and you push down harder on my throat

You tell me you love me

I am suffocating

You impale three times

I’m too high to fight  back
I blame myself

 

I drive you to the bus stop.  You are crying.  You tell me you love me

I return home to find your hat

You have left your hat

I wear it

I throw it into the closet

I STARE AT IT

You violated me

I take the scissors and cut your hat in half

I’m in control now.. you will feel the pain

This hat is not yours.  It is mine

It is trash

Your vibe no longer shines

I  throw it in the trash

I am free

Dark clouds overhead
Rain clouds approaching fast
Speeding down the freeway
Leaves blowing all around

Radio blasting “Little Red Corvette.”
My hand resting on your shoulder
I smile in your direction
You nod your head in introspection
We have found our sunshine
My heart beats faster
I feel your love overflow